Closure

Another year draws to an end..
a little too soon, a little too purposeless.
I got nowhere I wanted to be, hurt people without meaning to and got hurt even more. I didnt learn from my mistakes, I couldn't even be wise..in short, a lot of regrets over 2007. I remember going through New Year's eve last year wearing plastic smiles, telling people that I was good, wishing that they would stop asking..I knew I had hit rock bottom, physically and emotionally..and it was a relief in a way...knowing that I could only go on to better things from here.
It didnt work that way..and a year down the line I am in similar shit. Even worse perhaps coz the novelty of new beginnings is wearing off. I cant blame anybody really..but I cant even take blame myself..I went by intuition. I did what i felt to be right. I trusted those I loved. I gave things a chance. Maybe that is where i erred. I should have stopped believing in second chances long back. Should have kept to myself and chucked out the emotions. Should have listened to actions rather than words...
But then,one is always smarter in retrospection.
And just like this year,some phases need to be closed..some explanations need to be understood and some conclusions need to be drawn..It will be some time before I make my peace with love and God (if ever)...It will take me time to get back to my usual sunny self. But for today, I put an end to all this hurt and regret, all the expectations and brooding and hopeless longing. Sealed and closed.

Five things about me

Which I am putting down here coz I am tired of repeating myself.

I dont like abrupt endings..
I detest lies..
I am very analytical..I usually sort out the bull-shit.
I rarely take to people very soon..but if I do, I trust completely and love unconditionally
I am all for love but love isnt probably meant for me

Reiki man

Some people make you feel good about yourself. Some give you a patient hearing. Most give you advice. But you give of your time when you would rather be doing something else..you dont flatter me, you know my flaws only too well. You dont give me any advice that you couldnt follow yourself. You hear me out even when it hurts you to..and you do it knowing fully well that I dont care like I used to...Just wanted you to know that it means a lot to me...

I remember how it began. I know how it ends. Why do I still have questions?

Ever happened to you?

Ever been on the verge of happiness one day and miles away the next? Ever been swept off your feet? Ever been swept aside? Ever laughed through your tears? Life has a funny sense of humour....

What say you?

Ever seen something that makes you cry "Foul!" ? That irritates you and puts you out of good humour? Something that moves you to your core and makes you wish you could do something about it? Makes you reflect on life and its vagaries?...The other day we got into this discussion at our place. Here is a summary..

1) Men letching..eve teasing..

Nothing else makes my blood boil so much. Men with filthy language and a filthier gaze..assured that they have a right in doing what they are doing..that there will be no retaliation..a woman crawling past them, eyes downcast, feeling exposed, ashamed..

2) Lack of civic sense..

Few things are more off-putting than the sight of civilized men and women showing utter disregard for hygiene..and other people's sensibilities. Spitting out of the bus window, mothers encouraging kids to potty at any available nook and cranny..Sure, you are tired..but cant you mange that short stretch and throw the wrapper in the bin next to you? Cant you wait till the next public toilet? Must every blank wall be anointed with your pee?

3) Beggars..the old and helpless elderly..
I pass by an old man sitting at a signal everyday on my way to work. He used to be accompanied by a grey-haired lady, but now he seems to be alone. He is in a tattered lungi and holds out a jaipur foot before him..probably as old as him..with holes stuffed with cloth and peeling paint.
What quirk of fate could have brought him to this state..has he been abandoned by selfish children? Has he been tricked and then lost, far far away from home? Are there people looking for him somewhere who care what happens to him?

4) Beggars..the baby carrying or worse, the God-worshipping, 'pay up or pay for your sins' kind..
This lot affects me in the reverse way..far from pity or sympathy, they stir up anger. You are hale and hearty enough to bear babies, for Pete's sake!! So why cant you get a job, woman? As a labourer or domestic help or even in the municipality..surely anything is better than begging? I shall not shell out money just coz you are dangling a picture of Shani! My relationship with God is my private affair..and I dont see how you come into the picture.

5) Fat, busybody housewives...
who consider themselves judges on morality and respectability. They will cast disapproving stares at your tight jeans but think nothing of parading the streets in their night clothes! Your sleeveless tees cause them to raise eyebrows but low sarees revealing unsightly bulges is perfectly acceptable, i guess!

6) Fat, self-important politicians...
self explanatory!

More later!

26 and done..

I know its kinda crazy to say this at 26 but I feel it.

Its not just about looking in the mirror and spotting crease lines on your face.
Or the fact that you start paying more attention to ads for "age-defying" cosmetics.
Not even that wherever you go, you invariably seem to be in older category ..surrounded by fresh-faced teeny boppers..

Its about knowing that some things are unattainable now..out of reach..
Everything seemed doable at 20-21. Dreams were ambitions then. Now in some cases, you get the feeling of having missed the bus...that the time to fly has flown..

Its in the understanding that all hurt does not necessarily heal..

True..you are wiser now..but not necessarily happier.

S P A C E ! !

I am almost obsessive about it. Imagine how I must be coping with three other mortals invading my space. Coz thats what it is..invasion. No other way to put it. If you think you can come barging in with overflowing suitcases just coz you are not in the mood to join your spouse on his foreign trip and I will smile and turn out my cupboards for you, you are grossly mistaken! And I dont appreciate your using my towel and I dont like clothes hung on my door.
And if you are the kind who leaves hair strewn all over the floor after every combing session, you are in for it.

Hide n Seek

Here goes...
I think S likes A (whom A met through M)..S liked M earlier but the latter wasnt interested..coz at that point she liked R..but S is nice. But A doesnt like S in that way.
Coz A is heartbroken over T..who probably likes XYZ by now.
SS also likes M. Atleast he keeps enquiring after her . But M thinks that SS is too dumb for words and will have nothing to do with him..Maybe S and M should get together coz now R is out of the picture and they will make a cute couple! Hurray!!

Hope...

That things will look up, that every day wont be as bleak as this, that clouds do have silver linings...
That some day you will stop wanting, stop hurting..
That some day you will be happy and realize that its forever..or finally learn that happiness is an illusion.
That you will be the strong practical person you need to be, move on..
Or maybe the phone will ring.

Of birthdays and balloons

Went to a kiddies birthday party last night..I was compelled to..the birthday girl being my 5 year old neighbour who had been informing me since a week that her bday was coming up..Needless to say that I felt out of place..the other invitees being roughly as high as my knee..But it was fun enough. Brought back memories of the scores of such parties i attended as a kid..it used to be quite an event in our social lives then.
Dressing up in your best, finally getting a bit of that red lipstick your mom wouldnt let you touch, hanky pinned safely to chest to look after runny noses..singing happy bday with gusto (until the part where you name the bday boy/girl where everyone got self-conscious and fumbled and went a little out of tune.) An uncle bursting the baloons above the lucky boy/girl's head with an 'agarbathi' to much applause. Then you made a bee-line for the plates being passed around. A slice of cake, potato wafers, some 'chivda' , a Maharashtrian dry snack much like our chanachur and a glass of the inevitable Rasna. Why a soggy-looking banana had to be a part of this otherwise nice feast is something I couldnt fathom..
The embarassed bit about the bday song still happens. The snacks are minus the banana now (thankfully) and coke has replaced Rasna. The gifts are more innovative. I saw a 3-year-old sidle in and present a pack of Maggi to my delighted neighbour.The high point of the party, for me, was listening to some long-forgotten nursery rhymes..here's one I particularly like..
Hot cross buns, hot cross buns,
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot cross buns..
If you have a daughter, give it to your sons..............(er..ok..)
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot cross buns!

Potty about Potter :)

Finished HP some days ago..I must say i was a wee bit disappointed..didnt live up to the "grand finale" expectaions...but thats another discussion. There is this feeling of sadness..like i am about to say goodbye to a buddy..There will be no more browsing through HP fansites, no more trying to second guess Rowling, no more debating about how its gonna end..
I often come across people who seem amazed that any adult could be a Harry lover.
To these Potter critics, I just have one thing to say....read before you decide to run anything down as fantasy and "kid stuff". Agreed, everyone doesnt have the same taste in literature. But a well-written book is a well-written book! Period! And Rowling hasnt merely written a book..she has created a whole new world, complete with explanations and history. The story isnt a fairly tale like many would have us believe..it is ultimately about good triumphing over evil but in a very unpatronizing and contemporary way. Rowling refrains from ever getting preachy and i guess that is what makes kids (and adults) take to Potter.
To me, it was more than filling up slow hours. It was something which kept me occupied and sane in my most troubled times..nothing else was this engrossing. Harry Potter has seen me through break-ups and my entire "i am getting nowhere" phase..Harry shall be sorely missed.
Meanwhile, (besides giving the collection a re-read and hoping for sequels) I shall guard it with care and hope to hand it over to my kids some day and watch it make their world magical as it did mine..
Untill then...... nitwit, oddment, blubber, tweak!!! :)))

Sittin' here with a load of work on my desk...10 p.m already. I need something. Don't know what.
Rest? Coffee maybe? Tequila? A dart gun? A time machine? A miracle? A clone?
Maybe I just need to keep going...

Excuses..

A visiting card as a page-mark
A cd with songs you dont want to hear
Excuses..
Taking the long route to avoid traffic
Switching off lights 'coz its dusk
Excuses..
False pretences
Unfinished sentences
Fill-in-the-blanks
Refusal to hang up
Endless smses
Untouching caresses
Soundless laughter
Deafening silences..
Excuses, excuses

10 Commandments at Work!

These are tried and tested, people. You woudn't want to find out the long way ;)
Thou shalt
1) Understand and accept that 10 a.m is 10 a.m..but 6 p.m means the clock is running fast..
2) Not reveal that you have nothing to do in the evenings...chances are your boss will find some more work for you, with the air that he is doing you a favour..
For similar reasons, thou shalt not reveal that you are an early morning person either.
3) Recite "peace and forgiveness" to yourself when he tries to lecture you on a mistake you made...only you know that it wasn't you, it was him! You hadn't even touched the drawing!
4) Understand that 'perfection' is a verb when its your work..its an Utopian notion when it's his..
5) NOT dig up a lip-liner from your overfull handbag when asked for a pencil :))
6) State the reason for your ill health...subtle references like stomach cramps are not taken by ignorant males. But once said, it goes a long way ;)
7) Understand that 'we' made the mistakes, but 'I' got the idea...
8) Understand that it is no use reminding your boss about the time you took work home to help him out whilst trying to apply for a leave...Temporary amnesia has nothing to do with age...
9) Remember to turn over the calender on his desk every month on the first..(or wait till he does it to collect your paycheck)
10) Never point out to him that his cabin is all cluttered...or you will find yourself in a different profession before you can say "unfair!"